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I do not want to go on

I feel stuck. This is a rut I want to get out of, I have all the beautiful words, It's to give you life.

The process to giving a writeup or doing anything at all, to becoming anything is tiring. To think that I have it all planned out yet in the bid of making sure it is constructed well, I have not been able to put things down. I have visited my notebook time and time again and just stared at the pages. Visiting the book and just looking at it has left me with a great burden. 

Thinking on this introspectively, I have done all that is required, made research even visited my book over and over again and though i have written some things down, nothing really gives off that feel, nothing really hits the way it should.

It's not been easy trying over and over again yet not getting it, it's not been easy looking at my notebook and having nothing to write, it's not been easy being up by 4am hoping I would be able to write something yet I have to close the book in frustration, it's not been easy knowing I have so much to give out and yet finding it difficult to. It's not been easy reading different things to help me, including books and emails. It's been frustrating but I have learnt from all this. I have learnt things about showing up, about owning your space, I have learnt about how the butterflies came about, I have learnt about diligence, I have learnt also about God in this struggle. This struggle to write life. I have learnt a little about Paul. I have grown to appreciate my mother more too. She left yet what she built stayed and did not die out. I have been aiming to get a particular result and though I have not been able to the way I wish, I have learnt so much in the details, so much about life. 

I have grown to admire those who consistently put in the effort, I am privileged to be on the email list of some copywriters and James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits. He send mails every week, life giving mails week after week. I am amazed at how he does it. It is beautiful, really, consistency.

I aimed for something more but while I haven't been able to get that, to accomplish that. I have learnt so much more. I have learnt about resilience and going on despite how tired one feels. The point of it all is to keep going and keep doing as he, Jesus would have you do and be.  I have learnt about love in this struggle. I have cried out for my mother

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