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October 2021 - I think I'm to blame for my mum and Jace's death || The Breaking

Inasmuch as I was down and still not well, I could not do anything about it. I felt like taking timeout but I could not really do that. Everyone was home and school had resumed. My mum has a school, the responsibility was placed on my elder sister now because she was there with her then.

For the longest time, I began to blame myself for my mum and jace's death, I felt it was all my fault because I really wanted to see them, I was not able to at the end, I also wasn't sure I was happy I didn't die in my hometown, I mean, maybe I was supposed to because I wanted to see them so desperately coming back from school so death would seal it, it wouldn't have made sense to have lost my life though too because we went to Edo, my hometown, to bury my mother, why end up burying two people? Also, how will my family cope? A lot of thoughts were coming to mind, reasoning and all. Lateron, I got to understand it didn't make sense blaming myself through God and a friend of mine.

At first, I stayed home with my eldest sister and most of what I did was watch movies... I was still in communication with a friend of mine,  Daniel but then talking to people began to make me feel so choked up so I stopped communicating with him however... something else happened, I began communicating with someone else frequently this period, Emiantor Kelvin... He sort of became my mentor this period. How did that happen? Oh well, that's a story for another day, perhaps.

We got talking and although at some point, talking to people outside of my family unnerved me, I could talk to him from time to time without really feeling unnerved. You see, the thing I had at this point was that I didn't want to be anything to/for anyone so I guess that was why talking to him in the few times we spoke helped.

Lateron, I started going to our school(my mum's  school, really though, it's our school) with my sister and didn't really deal with all that was wrong, I was fine but not fine. I was drowning but swimming? I was okay, on the surface. I wasn't journalling so much anymore, talking to Jesus and reading my bible became difficult.

I wanted to read ahead for school but I couldn't, I wasn't reading and I felt terrible about not being able to do so... I was in a state. A haze but very much functional, I missed my mother, yes but not really. 

I still didn't really deal with how I felt and instead, tried to pour myself into a lot of things. I didn't know how to deal and I guess, deep down, I didn't think anything would result from it... Jesus knew what He was doing. He has all the answers, Yay!

I resumed to school this month that way and then the dam began to break. Everything I had kept locked in began opening up little by little.

For the first time, I would actually think about hearing my mum’s voice and really truly miss her so much that I was in pain, in so much pain. 



~ Omokhuwa.

Comments

  1. The Feranmi Oyedele27 June 2022 at 15:13

    This must have been a lot. Not sure I even have the right words. Jesus sees you, always. Always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omokhuwa18 March 2023 at 14:54

      It was. Thank you, The Feranmi Oyedele.

      Delete

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