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A MYRIAD OF EMOTIONS


A new week has passed and yet again.

It seems as though I was high just now and low the next, the week hasn’t gone exactly as planned and there are times I have moved as one absent yet present, times I’m tempted to speak of the enthrall of death because I see nothing to fear in it and times I wonder why these thoughts arise in my mind.

Certainly, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh but I have searched my heart and turned to God a lot more. Could it be that I thought mending my relationship with God would suddenly make all things come together for my good? Could it be that I thought I would become forgiving all of a sudden? Could it be that I expected everything good and bright to dwell within me all at once?

What exactly were my thoughts, hope and dreams and do they matter? Do they hold meaning and make sense?

Life, it would seem, waits for no one. Time moves without minding if a life was just lost or gained, it moves on no matter what comes my way, not minding whether or not I am prepared for the next moment.

Jesus, the other time, I wrote a public letter to you. Now, I see the error in that, the letter was written, truly and in all sincerity to you, it was one of surrender but it seems I did not understand fully what that surrender was supposed to entail for I have been worried about so much.

My thoughts are constantly trying to get ahead, worried about so much, anxiety creeps in and my feet feels heavy so much so that almost every soul I meet asks me how I am doing, I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world yet how could I possibly do so when I cannot even bear the little weight I have without being overwhelmed.

In your word, you said to cast my burdens on you and take on yours due to its lightness but I wonder at the wisdom in that statement, someone once said you said your burden is light because you would be the one carrying it still but I do not know, Jesus. I do not know.

The shepherd does not necessarily leave the sheep and drop the burden of ensuring the sheep is safely clothed and safe no matter how much backing the shepherd has, it is not done. That I may know you and the power of your resurrection, that anxiety no longer becomes me, that it no longer threatens to overwhelm me even as I lay down and sleep, that my eyes do not fill up with tears that may never drop at the slightest things, that I learn how to truly cast my cares upon you even in this season of life I am in, that my heart becomes pliable and soft once more, that I learn to forgive and that I love wholly and fully.

Oh Jesus, that I become yours ever as you become mine. That the Holy Spirit guides me into all truth and that I’m able to discern enough to know what to do.

That I do not just speak of your love and friendship with you without fully coming into that realisation, that I continually smile because of the sweet communion we have together and that your joy strengthens me, now and always. Now and always.

Thank you!

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